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my tenure in this journal is over and done with. I feel like I don't participate much in LJ land that much anymore. I remember the days where it was all the rage, it still is but I guess what i'm trying to say is that this journal is way past dead. All the entries are about the same sad girl, the same song and the same city. Its time to start fresh and new, and I've made a new journal. A majority of you won't add it, and I won't blame you since I neglect to comment but trust me I always read. anyways, if you add me thanks, if you don't then oh well. It still has some work since I just made it but the content will be vastly different this is a promise I can keep. add me as a friend, I promise to come around more often. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) winterthoughtsif this is where our road ends then it ends tonight. if this is where the day break begins then i'll see you in the morning light.
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A part of me wants to drive away.
Get far away from this city as possible.
Experience the hills and valleys of far away places, to stand alone against the backdrop of my life.
Thinking of it all is such a grandiose action. One sitting won't be enough to sort everything into its proper category. It all ends up being forgotten or being tucked away anyways. There is nothing worst than forgetting the events that've made you. The same goes for the events that have broken you.
our regrets and disappointments are our fuels for the fires that burn inside of us. always telling ourselves that we won't be outdone or upset by the same events. we're creatures of habit but that doesn't mean we can't break the mold. it just takes a bit of trial and error. a bit of stumbling and falling. you know, the things that your parents told you would happen.
I'm not done stumbling and falling, if anything I've fallen more within the past few months than I ever have. I've burned bridges, i've been caught doing something awful, and i've failed people that mean the world to me. The more I look back the more i see that this is all just fuel to keep me going. Learning from my mistakes and from my love. Love, regret, and loss are central parts of life and if you use them the right way they'll always keep you empowered. Its just a theory.
The new year didn't start until right now. It didn't start until the snow fell. Good things, good people, good memories always happen during the snow fall. This is the first snowfall of the year and it won't be forgotten.
I've made good new friends. Carina is a great person, and i think our friendship can only keep growing. She's seriously the most amazing girl ever and I can tell awful jokes to her and not feel bad. Sharifa is gold too, i'm glad I met her. I haven't talked to her in a few days but i hope shes doing well.
Today I realized that if anything I want to use these hands of mines to lift someone up. I want to use them to tear down the walls surrounding someones heart. I wish I could help someone with these simple resources: my words, a genuine smile and honesty. Its cliche i know, but I mean it.
the heart is a wonderful, yet flawed thing.
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So.
It always comes down to the feelings that occur after.
The anger. The frustration. The rage.
Knowing that a small part of you just wasted the most valuable thing you have.
time.
and you wasted it, on something, someone you thought was worth it. On a person, or a thing, that you thought was your friend, your escape, your gateway to something better.
and it turns out they were the golden shit from the golden donkeys' ass.
Now you pace, you spin and you turn, and you prepare scathing words. You prepare to rip apart someones heart; their existence by other using all the blackmail material they've ever given you, or just by simply telling them:
"You're a waste, you're untrue, and saying this is alot smoother then a fuck you."
because we all know "fuck you's" are soo 2002.
its the feeling of being letdown, of being embarassed and being distraught that you thought there was something real in this world, only to discover that in fact, there isn't.
and thats when you sitback, fold your hands and say:
"I'm going to make this easy."
It never is, but now you've got the drive, a reason to follow through. You swear this person off, you curse them, you damn them, and in the end you let them go.
only to slowly let them back in and permeate you with feelings that were lost.
and when that happens you're wary up until the point where you give in.
and then you have no one else to blame but yourself when it all comes burning down.
for the 10th time.
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we're young and we're passionate.
we love. we live. we fight. we conquer. we exist.
though saying we exist isn't simply enough, we exist, and some of us validate this existance daily through actions, through words.
we use our gifts and we use our love, and we fight for existance, and we laugh and we swear by our hearts that this is how it "Will always be."
we mash our lips together and beg for the moment to be eternal.
I understand that love is desperate and brutal.
I understand that sometimes, just loving someone isn't always enough.
as much as we like to believe it is, it isn't.
love simply isn't enough. crying "I love you baby, please don't leave" won't keep your partner. It won't and thats the bitter truth.
and as much as we believe that it is, and as much as we wait and pray, and scheme to get our loves back, we have to eventually face the fact that love quite simply isn't enough.
"But we're soulmates. I know it." and this is the point where I bite my tongue, kick the dirt and respond with a "Sometimes we love so hard it hurts, and sometimes our love goes unrewarded and I'm sorry."
and my theory is that our love never goes to the people who deserve it. this isn't true all the time, but a majority of the time, our love goes to the people who won't accept it. who won't appreciate it. who will talk behind our backs and say:
"so fucking easy.", "I never really loved her"
and that is fucking sad. sad, I tell you, fucking sad.
sometimes our love doesn't necessarily go to the ones who deserve it. the beautiful people, with beautiful souls, but it goes to the ones who need it the most. who need it to grow, but won't realize how good they had it until they're staring back months down the line wishing they had a safety. wishing they had safety in someones arms.
and most of the time, these wonderful souls will never receive the love they deserve, because its going to the assholes who deserve it the least. it goes to the people who could careless about it. we stay stuck on the ones who won't respect it, and in turn we aren't respected and we end up complaining "oh, everyone shits on me" when in truth, if you didn't want to be shitted on, you'd stop loving the sorry motherfucker that runs over you.
but then again.
this is never intentional.
we have no control of our hearts, of our love, and this sucks more than anything else in the world.
..but one day our hearts will latch onto the right person, the person who deserves our love, the person who deserves to be loved, and this will only happen when we know who we are. what we want, and what we need.
only once we grow.
then and only then will our fragile hearts have a chance.
me?
my heart has been given and has gave many chances.
one day, my love will be returned.
and then...
i'll be one smiling, giggling, cute motherfucker.
word.
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.safety is where the heart is.
I remember my first real day of pre-kindergarten I was deathly afraid, and I cried the whole day. I spent most of my time by myself, or yelling that I wanted "My mother", and that I felt "sick". My main attachment at the moment was my mother, and I all I wanted was to feel safe, to feel secure. I wanted that big, tall woman who fed me and made me smile to stay by my side when I needed her. Eventually the day ended, and when I saw her again I felt relieved.
As I grow up, I assess my friends, family, the intangibles, and tangibles of my life, and I come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to keep everyone. I won't be able to hold onto everyone important to me.
Now that I'm a young-adult, I can better deal with loss, with division, and with life in general. Though my coping skills are practically nonexistent, I can still rise up from my weakness and grow a little. As long as I mature even slightly, then my life still retains meaning.
When you look at yourself, and at your friends, lovers, and loved ones, you immediately think of the ones who mean the most to you. The ones who've helped you through a tough time, the ones who make you smile/laugh, the ones who you can share your deepest; shittiest secrets with, and the ones who you can look back on and say: "Oh, I remember him/her. She/He was amazing, a real good person."
I guess everyone just wants to feel safe, either in their memories, or with someone special.
I remember feeling safe at one period. I still feel safe around parents, family and some friends, but I remember feeling real "safety". The kind of safety that can't be described, it's just that feeling, that someone else has your best interest that someone else is willing to hold you so tight that it's like you'll melt into their skin.
To best describe it, it's just the urge to have every square inch of skin touching the others, and its okay. Maybe I'm not thinking of safety, maybe this is something else entirely, but I can only describe it as feeling "safe".
It's all a blur to me. Kind of like a movie. Everything is bright and fuzzy, enveloped in warm colors. There are smiles, and eyes that are indistinguishable, and a voice that I can't make out anymore. Everything is moving too fast, but we're solitary; momentary. I remember a kiss, an "I love you" and the thought that, "Maybe this is how we're meant to feel. A feeling that takes place instead of confusion, sadness, and anger. Just pure love."
And then the moment fades, and I snap back to reality.
…I think that real safety is knowing that you're loved, and that at the end of the day there is someone out in the world who will constantly have you on their mind. Safety can mean many things, whether it is money, housing or security. But real safety is a feeling. Real safety is a warm feeling, and the realization that tomorrow you can wake up and be on the tip of someone's tongue.
At the moment, I am not safe.
and this scares me more then anything else in the world.
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